Today I sit on the front deck of our house, watching Emma driving in her little pink car with her friend Harper. Thinking how resilient kids truly are. They are not the only ones I'm watching, not the only ones on our street. The flood clean up crew have come back, and today they are taking away all the damaged stuff from our basement. It's been sitting in a heap of broken dreams, memories, broken desires for two and a half weeks now. And I sit and watch.
The girls are happy, all our girls are happy, not extremely rare. But it is hard to make three girls at so many different ages and different stages all happy at once. Happily driving the pink car, happily walking to the corner store for treats, happily napping. The men are happy as they haul away our broken fragments of a family we tried hard to put together. I feel alone, I feel unsure, I feel a sinking heart with each box lifted into the garbage truck. Yet as the girls ride pass me in the pink car with little pink cheeks that jiggle along with each giggle; I am a different kind of happy.
This forced purge has been like a death in our family. The sewer water washed away so much more away than plastic, or metal, or fabric. It affected each one of us so differently, and each one is healing in a different way. We have all clung onto different articles, different items held us back or moved us forward.
In some ways I feel like I am the cause, I am to blame. I did, in fact ask God to help us with the basement. I had felt for a long time the the t.v. had become and idol. Standing before us each night waiting for us, knowing we'll put other things aside for it, neglecting things that should be too precious to turn our backs on. I did ask God for help with all our "stuff". I am a pack rat of sorts, the kind that always believes I'll use "this" for 'something". And Jarrett is sentimental to a point where letting things go is so emotionally straining that it turns into anxiety and panic attacks. So Lord how can we honestly move forward in this basement? "Lord i need you to do this for us?" Well He didn't flood my basement but He was ok with it happening. I have come to the understanding that once God is ok with something it is a better use of my time, emotions, energy, and life, getting on board. And although this is hard, it's ok. we'll be ok!
Purging feels oddly good, great in fact. And at times I catch myself feeling lighter. If I stop to think about the weightlessness at that moment I would have to tell you that I feel like we've cured a disease. Like what was living in the basement had a terminal illness. we had put in our time, we were exhausted, spent. Like we needed off the emotional roller coaster it had put us through. Not saying that it is easy or a complete relief, yet there is a lifting of weight off ones shoulders. And now when I catch myself, I feel a sadness an, aloneness, but a peace, a quiet, a relief.
As frustrating as the entire process of insurance is, I am deeply grateful for this destruction. First off because flood water is not covered because it is an act of God, but sewage water is covered! I am grateful because God knew which water was best for us. Grateful because we were forced to purge because we needed the force. And thankful for all our friends. We have showered at their houses, we have bathed our babies, washed our clothes, ate, played and vented. Our oldest slept throughout the night last night for the first time since. And it is on a bed our friends have lent us.
I am amazed at our resilient children. Even though it has been traumatic for each one of them, and they have been stresses and pushed to the max. They do not sit on the front deck contemplating or longing. They have bounced back, whether it was a quick bounce or a slower dribble They are back. I will find strength in their best foot forward I guess. And pick myself of the front deck and go make dinner!
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